Why Do Adult Children Lack Self-Acceptance?



Every child arrives in the world as a blank slate on which his parents or primary caregivers write. If they themselves are products of unresolved, unrecovered alcoholism, para-alcoholism, dysfunction, or abuse, and remain in denial about it, it is a distorted reflection of them that the child's slate becomes. None of this breeds very much self-acceptance, especially if he fails to question the treatment to which he was subjected later-in-life.
It both begins and hinges upon their acceptance and love of him, and if they have not addressed their own issues, it may be infrequently demonstrated. Forced to see himself as his parents did, he may subconsciously engage in more self-rejecting than self-accepting.
One of the reasons for it, which may at first be viewed as a positive manifestation, is perfectionism.
"Perfectionism is a response to a shame-based and controlling home," according to the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 36). "The child mistakenly believes that she can avoid being shamed if she is perfect in her thinking and acting. However, our experience shows that expectations are continually raised in these kinds of homes. Shame or the feeling that we have failed our parents seems to occur no matter what we do. During these moments, our critical inner voice begins to form. This is an early sign of internalizing our parents' hypercritical attitudes. These are the seeds that lead to a lack of self-acceptance."
It is thus inextricably tied to parent acceptance of the child's performance, achievements, actions, and behavior.
Believing, without question, his parents' own perfection, and not understanding why their acceptance of him may be lacking, he assumes the burden himself, concluding that he is inadequate, flawed, and unlovable as a creation, unable to entertain the thought that they function from their own deficiencies. Anticipating the danger and emotional overload such a thought would have by an intellectually, psychologically, and neurologically undeveloped child, he finds it more stabilizing to accept the blame himself than attribute it to them. Unable to care for himself, he relies on them for nurturing and his very survival.
Berating himself for these flaws, needless to say, does little to foster his self-acceptance later-in-life.
"Condemning my imperfections has never advanced my appreciation of life or helped me to love myself more," advises Al-Anon's "Courage to Change" text (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 19). "Perhaps I can let go of all condemnation for this one day. I will recognize that I am on a spiritual path of self-improvement. Every tiny step I take on that path moves me closer to wholeness, health, and sanity."
Yet that person's childhood was a path that led in the opposite direction. An object, at times, of shame, blame, and out-and-out hatred, especially if his parents were fueled by alcohol, he could hardly have equated these actions with acceptance, much less love. As a human repository, he may have served as the target of their projections, which contained their own stored, unresolved episodes of abuse, and these were more than likely triggered by the presence of the child himself.
Doused to distorted saturation by the negative, highly-charged emotions his parents could not contain, he believed he was the embodiment of those horrible feelings, yet was unaware that they were feelings transferred to him. They did not originate with him. Drenched by them, and subjected to ever-mounting deluges of them throughout his upbringing, he more than bought into them. They were and are him, he concluded.
Emotionally overloaded and most likely negotiating life with varying degrees of mistrust, hypervigilance, continually retriggered traumas, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) he does not even understand, he can hardly get to the center of a negatively converted self, much less "accept" it.
Self-acceptance implies an acknowledgment, embracing, and loving of a person's true or authentic self, which, created by God or a Higher Power of his understanding, is richly endowed and intrinsically euphoric. Its essence is love. But dangerous, damaging, and shaming upbringings characterized by instability and lack of safety forced the child to subconsciously reconfigure his brain and adopt so-called "survival traits" that include isolation, fear of parent-representing authority figures, approval-seeking, people-pleasing, overdeveloped senses of responsibility, denied and repressed childhood feelings and fears that were squelched o the point of numbed nonexistence, harsh self-judgment, low self-esteem, and the continual subjection of childhood-created, but unresolved triggers and reactions, all in an effort to function as an adult in the outside world with what he experienced as a child in the inside world. That "inside world," of course, was his home-of-origin.
"... We realized that we lived by a set of survival traits known as the laundry list," the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" textbook continues (op. cit., p.435). "This list describes a false self that can only accomplish self-hate and self-harm. There is no self-acceptance in the false self."
The true self most likely remains buried in the protective cocoon the person was forced to create so that he could spiritually escape and seek refuge from an unstable or dangerous parent.
As long as its remains buried in its sanctuary, however, the person cannot connect with it, nor, indirectly, with others and his Higher Power, leaving him perpetually on the outside, looking in. Unable to accept himself, he is equally unable to accept others.
Progressively dissolving all of these sometimes very powerful and painful childhood-rooted manifestations, recovery, albeit at a slow pace, enables the person to identify and re-accept his authentic self-the one that is richly endowed and does not hinge upon others' assessments or judgments of him.
"My friend and I resolve that in the future, we will try less, accept more, and let go of our impatience, self-criticism, and self-hatred," "Courage to Change" concludes (op. cit., p. 7). "We take a deep breath and say, 'Help me, Higher Power. Help me remember that the purpose of making mistakes is to prepare myself to make more; help me remember that when I'm no longer making mistakes, I'll be out of this world'."
What is most important here is that the person realizes that, in his imperfect, impermanent state, that it is inevitable that he will make mistakes, but that he is not the embodiment of a mistake his upbringing may have led him to believe.


Keywords related to the post:

insurance about usinsurance about us pageinsurance aboutinformation, insurance about carinsurance about dogsabout insurance companyabout insurance policyabout insurance pdfabout insurance in indiaaboutinsurance industry in india, insurance above 65 years old, insurance aboveground poolinsurance above fdic limits, insurance above 26th parallelinsuranceabove 60 years, above insuranceabove insurance agencyabove insurancerichland hills txtrekking insurance above 5000mtrekking insurance above4000minsurance across state lines, insurance across state lines executiveorderinsurance across Americainsurance across state lines law, insuranceacross state lines won't work, insurance across state lines mythinsuranceacross state lines acainsurance across statesinsurance across state borders, insurance across state linesobamacareinsurance after drink drivinginsurance after a baninsurance after driving ban, insuranceafter accidentinsurance after cancer, insurance after passing driving testinsuranceafter drug driving, insurance after surgeryinsurance after heart attack, insuranceafter selling carinsurance against redundancy, insurance against twinsinsuranceagainst illnessinsurance against tax investigationinsurance against losingyour jobinsurance against cancerinsurance against inheritance taxinsuranceagainst dementiainsurance against gdprinsurance against being suedinsurancealong with home loanproperty insurance along with home loaninsurancecompanies along mombasa roadride along insuranceinsurance to go along withmedicaretake along insuranceamid insuranceinsurance around meinsurancearound the world, insurance around my areainsurance around the arc detriompheinsurance around bostoninsurance around the corner, insurancearound Staffordinsurance aroundcar insurance around meinsurance companiesaround meinsurance as a serviceinsurance as a second driverinsurance as asole traderinsurance as you go, insurance as a new driverinsurance asa platform ,insurance as a contractor, insurance as a learner driverinsuranceas a dog walkerinsurance as a social security toolinsurance at workinsuranceat 17insurance at 21insurance at 25insurance at Lloyds, insurance at riskmeaninginsurance at exchange of contracts, insurance at Walmartinsuranceat 26insurance at faultinsurance before buying car, insurance before tax, insurancebefore exchange, insurance before motinsurance before passing testinsurancebefore registrationinsurance before medicareinsurance before buying usedcarinsurance before settlementinsurance before title transfer, gapinsurance behind on, payments insurance for behind the wheel test, insurancecompanies behind obamacareinsurance for pull behind campermath behindinsuranceprinciple behind insurancetheory behind insurance, insurance hitfrom behindidea behind insurancehistory behind insurancebelow insuranceservicesbelow insurance Fostoriahealth insurance below povertyline, car insurance below 25, insurance claim below deductibleflood insurancebelow gradenational insurance below primary thresholdinsurance for belowpoverty line, mortgage insurance below 20bike insurance below 500insurancebeside, insurance besides obamacarehealth insurance besides obamacareinsurance options besidesbam a care, other insurance besides obamacarehealthinsurance besides cobrainsurance jobs besides salesother insurance besidesmedicareinsurance options besides cobracar insurance besides icbcotherhealth insurance besides obamacare, insurance between exchange and completioninsurancebetween exchange of contracts and completioninsurance between jobsinsurancebetween job changesinsurance between jobs 2018insurance between retirementand medicareinsurance between 62 and 65insurance between jobs cobrainsurancebetween jobs 2017insurance betweeninsurance beyond digitalinsurancebeyond economical repairinsurance & beyondinsurance beyond the gravelyricsinsurance beyond fdicinsurance & beyond llcinsurance beyondmedicare, insurance beyond the grave
does insurance come out before taxesdoes insurance comeout on weekendsdoes insurance come with rental carsinsurance losses come inhow many typesdoes insurance come with car hireinsurance down underinsurancedown payment, insurance down under tamworthinsurance down payment refundinsurancedown syndrome, insurance downinsurance down payment for cardown insurance Downpatrickinsurance goes down at 25auto insurance down paymentinsurance duringbuilding worksinsurance during renovationinsurance during extensioninsuranceduring renovation workinsurance during pregnancyinsurance during houseextensioninsurance during house renovation, insurance during constructioninsuranceduring home renovation, insurance during pregnancy india, except insuranceinsurancecompanies that except pitbullsinsurance for a dayinsurance for youngdrivers, insurance for new drivers, insurance for a week, insurance for carinsurance for first time drivers, insurance for 17 year oldinsurance for a monthinsurance for learner driversinsurance for selfemployed, insurance from exchange, insurance from exchange or completion

mid insurance factorymid insurance detailsmid insuranceregisterminus insurance agencyminus insurancetravel insurance minusmedicalreggie minus insurancepeter minus insuranceinsurance near me, insurancenear me carinsurance near me cheap, insurance near me open nowinsurancenear neinsurance near my location, insurance nearbyinsurance near me auto, insurancenear dmv, insurance near me icbcinsurance of Americainsurance of carinsuranceof the worksinsurance of jewelleryinsurance of a new carinsurance ofworks in constructioninsurance of car in ukinsurance of unoccupied property,insurance of electric carsinsurance of bikeinsurance off road, insuranceoff balance sheet itemsinsurance off exchangeinsurance off marketplaceinsuranceoff piste,offshore insuranceinsurance off road bikesinsurancewrite offinsurance cooling off period, insurance write off cars for saleinsuranceon parents carinsurance on phoneinsurance on someone else's carinsuranceon fiat 500, insurance on riskinsurance on a moped, insurance on audi a1insuranceon demand, insurance on audi a3, insurance on leased carinsurance oppositeinsuranceopposite word,insurance out of pocketinsurance out of networkinsuranceout of stateinsurance out of pocket definition,  insurance out of network meaning, insuranceout of state licenseinsurance out of countryinsurance out of workinsuranceout of pocket stop lossinsurance out of pocket expenseinsurance outside thescope of vatinsurance outside of marketplaceinsurance outside of work, insuranceoutside superinsurance outside open enrollmentinsurance outside ofobamacareinsurance outside superannuationinsurance outside of acainsuranceoutside of healthcare.govinsurance outside homeinsurance over 80insuranceover 60, insurance over 25insurance over 75insurance over 50sinsuranceover mileageinsurance over 70 years oldinsurance over the phoneinsuranceover 65insurance over 30insurance past tenseinsurance past questionsinsurancepast 26insurance past papers, insurance past postinginsurance past age 26insurancepast dueinsurance past present and future, insurance past participlepastinsurance claims, insurance per month, insurance per hour, insurance per dayinsuranceper mile, insurance per dieminsurance per month carinsurance per diem feesowedinsurance per occurrenceinsurance per pay periodinsurance per capitainsurance plus, ryanairinsurance plus aberdeen sd, insurance plus groesbecktxinsurance plus investmentinsurance plus logininsurance plus kewanee ilinsurance plus yoga, insurance plus alvin txinsurance plus aurora il, insuranceplus investment plansinsurance post officeinsurance post awardsinsurancepostagazineinsurance post newsinsurance post twitterinsurance post code,insurance post logoinsurance post events, insurance post claims awards 2017, insurancepost linkedininsurance pre existing conditionsinsurance pre existing medical conditionsinsurance pre authorizationinsurance pre licensing courseinsurance pre approval, insurance pre taxinsurance pre authorization forminsurancepre licensing course near meinsurance pre test, insurance pre licensingcourses in Illinoisinsurance pro rata calculator, insurance pro ratacalculator excel, insurance pro agencies, insurance pro shopinsurance probloginsurance pro group, insurance pro ratainsurance pro rata wheelinsurancepro logininsurance pro agencies reviews, insurance premiums since obamacare, insurancerates since obamacareinsurance profits since aca, insurance profits sinceobamacare, insurance provider since 1850, insurance premiums since acainsurancecosts since obamacareinsurance premiums since 2000insurance costs since acainsurance business since 1991 in Ethiopia, insurance cheaper than geico, insurance other than obamacareinsurance more than better insurance than usaainsurancecheaper than the general insurance morethan car paymentcheaper insurance than usaa, insurance more than car valueinsuranceother than health schedule cinsurance other than collisioninsurance throughbankinsurance through brokerinsurance through Barclaysinsurance throughcredit cardinsurance through natwestinsurance through workinsurancethrough the stateinsurance through the marketplaceinsurance through aarpinsurancethrough superannuation, insurance till 26, insurance till what age, insurancetill 26 years oldinsurance till your 26, insurance till you are 26, insurancetill 26, even when married, insurance till 25, insurance till 29terminsurance till what ageterm insurance till 99insurance to go, insurance togo reviewsinsurance to drive in Europe insurance to go mobile phoneinsuranceto turkeyinsurance to cover hire car excessinsurance to go discount codeinsuranceto go contact, insurance to cover inheritance taxinsurance to cover buildingworktravel insurance toward road sunderlandattitude toward insurance, behaviortoward insuranceinsurance under 21insurance under 25insurance underwriter,insurance under nec3insurance under parents nameinsurance under jctcontractsinsurance under which head in tallyinsurance under mispinsuranceunder parentsinsurance under gstinsurance until 26, insurance until 26 or27insurance until the age of 26insurance until 26 trump, insurance until 26years oldinsurance until 27, insurance until you are 26, insurance until 29insuranceuntil 26 repealinsurance until 25insurance up to age 26insurance up toage 26 lawinsurance up after accident, insurance upup insurance agencyupinsurance reviewerinsurance pick up lines, insurance startupinsurancelookup, insurance going upinsurance upon deathinsurance upon completion, lifeinsurance upon deathmortgage insurance upon deathhealth insurance uponterminationinsurance stratford upon avon, car insurance upon deathhomeinsurance upon deathbuildings insurance upon exchangeinsurance upside downcar loanupside insurancegap insurance upside down loangap insuranceupside down trade incar insurance upside downinsurance versus assuranceinsuranceversus assurance differenceinsurance versus bond, insurance versus ndemnification,insurance via ferrata, insurance via mobile phoneinsurance via credit cardinsurancevia internetinsurance via marketplaceinsurance via superannuationinsurancevia smsfinsurance via the voluntary marketinsurance via turo, insurance vsassuranceinsurance vs reinsuranceinsurance vs banking, insurance vswarrantyinsurance vs assurance uk, insurance vs banking careerinsurance vsinvestment banking, insurance vs guaranteeinsurance vs investmentinsurancewith black boxinsurance with partnersinsurance with reviews, insurance withmedical conditions, insurance without black boxinsurance with cancerinsurancewith sapphireinsurance with 6 pointsinsurance with convictionsinsurancewithpromotional codeinsurance within super, insurance within the firm, insurancewithin smsf, insurance within superannuation fact sheet, insurance within abusiness, insurance within city limits, insurance within corporationwithininsurance period, travel insurance within Australiatravel insurance within Canadainsurance without motinsurance without taxinsurance without excessinsurancewithout prejudice basisinsurance without licenseinsurance without owning acar, insurance without cbtinsurance without depositinsurance withoutregistration number, insurance worth itinsurance worth of carworthinsurance owensboro kyworth insurance agencyworth insurance groupworthinsurance sylvester gaworth insurance iphonegap insurance worth it, tripinsurance worth itpet insurance worth it

Subscribe to receive free email updates:

0 Response to "Why Do Adult Children Lack Self-Acceptance?"

Posting Komentar